It’s Saturday. I have no plans for today. I’m sitting on my couch with my favorite drink (a blended iced coffee) and some food. It’s quiet. I can see my dog sleeping on the porch. These are the perfect parameters for writing an essay.
And yet, I don’t feel like it.
I am tired.
Ah, exhaustion. My old friend - and the slayer of autistic creativity.
I am currently in the middle of closing my art therapy studio. Next week will be my last week with in-person clients as I transition to a fully online private practice. It’ll also be the beginning of me packing up all of my items and moving from Arizona to the east coast.
It’s a lot of change. It’s a lot of moving parts. It’s a lot of decision-making. It’s a lot of goodbyes.
It’s all just a lot. And I am exhausted.
So although today I can actually get a break from it all and do whatever I like... I feel like doing nothing. My brain is so spent that I don’t have the energy to clearly articulate my thoughts about autism. I have a long list of autism essays I would like to write.
I could force myself into it, but I know the writing would come out subpar.
Furthermore, I write for the joy of it. It is normally my favorite thing to do. Right now though, I just don’t have the mental capacity.
This is frustrating as an autistic with a special interest. I just want to spend time doing the thing I love.
It’s also hard to accept. I want the reality to be something other than what it is. However, I cannot change the inevitable energy demands that come with major life transitions, like transitioning a business or moving. It depletes my energy because these things require energy. My body is responding in a perfectly normal way to normal demands.
And yet I still wish it was something else. I wish it was something I could change. I wish it was something I could address and problem-solve.
Instead, the best course of action is to accept that this is my reality and honor what my brain needs - which is mental and physical rest.
Next week will be my last week with my in-person clients. It will mark the beginning of when I start breaking down my studio as well. This will require more mental and physical energy.
So not only am I recuperating from the energy loss of last week, but I also need to shore up for the upcoming energy demands.
And that means there temporarily may not be space for my creativity.